Blow it in your eye

Whatever!!! Today was ok, but somewhat frustrating. My dad, who i called like 3 or 5 times, never answered, and finally called late but wouldn't ya know he doesn't want to do anything... i don't want to go tomorrow, now.

Feh. And then Antonio...I don't know, i haven't heard from him. We're still kind of fighting, but it's...I don't know. I think he doesn't like me, and I'm really worried that he's off with some other girl right now/today/whenever...

sigh...i feel so lonely. Why must i be so pathetic?

In other "news" YOUTUBE is only a lot addicting....stupid rubber johnny, traumatized me.

She who believes, is happy. She who doubts, is lonely

Well, I'm here, fucking bored, but it's okay, because being an empty person for now beats being a fucked in the head person.

I did not go to school today, I wish I had, kind of...I actually LIKE my math class and I LOVE Japanese class. But, for one, I was feeling pretty sick, and for 2, i didn't do any of my homework, so...yeah. No point in it, right? I'll call Mayte and ask her for any missed assignments, or whatever.

I should also ask what was on the OLD rubric... >< stupid sophomore reflections, and reesumees....i wish i knew how to accent that.

Oh, but the joy...When Mayte was being kind of mean yesterday, when i was more fucked up than i am today, Mari just leaned over and told her to not do that. It kind of...i don't know. felt good to know that Mari stuck up for me.

Anyways, i must be going back to bed, if i want to sneak some food before my mom wakes up

Suicide

I have been really suicidal for years, but the last year or so, that ideaology has gone more or less away. I don't feel like giving up. I want to fight. I want to LIVE.

I'd forgotten how bad it feels to sincerely want to die. Today, Antonio and I got in a fight, and when we fight, when I fight with anyone, it feels like the end of the world. Not death, just like it will never get better and that nothing will be okay. I know that some dreams don't come true, they die. Look at Steve Irwin...that whole story makes me cry for some reason.

We were getting drunk, right, and then doing other stuff...Almost on purpose, I made myself depressed, afterward. I cut myself with my razor, and he looked at me. He said, "i'm going home."

he got dressed, and left, saying "It's the same old shit every time, you never change" and "fuck this"

I was acting like a crazy person, crying, saying "It's fair, it's fair, it's fair" because it is fair that he get angry when it's my fault. We'd been talking about it before, and i was saying about why i wanted to cut, but then i just lost it, and started cutting...it wasn't fair to HIM that I do that...I don't blame him!

But he left, and I HATE it when people just leave an arguement. I would rather work things out or fight till it gets stupid and funny, and you can't fight anymore. It's not like i haven't gotten mad, but i just can't leave, i can't walk away...He gets mad when i get mad, and then i get sad, apologize, but it's too late.

Kind of, it's not fair that I'm always sad, or mad, but don't act like that...I cut myself, but NO MORE. I grabbed my razors and threw them away in the dumpster. I don't want to hurt myself, nor do I want to be tempted...

Indeed, i DO want to cut, or just die, but i don't want to hurt anyone but myself, and he must really care, or must HAVE really CARED, because hurting me hurts him, and my friends and mom.

I scared myself. When he was leaving, i was going to kill myself. Not the whim thing, the sincere thing. If you haven't lived it, it's hard to know what I mean, but it's like, your world goes black, you literally cannot see, except for the bloody wrists, the blank eyes, the faint smile, the scream of horror, the cry of regret, or maybe anger, on loved ones' faces, the funeral, the future missed. You can almost feel your life slipping away, like you're throwing it away. For me, this time, it was pure RAGE. I was so angry, and sad, because the two emotions are very close to each other in me, that I would have killed myself from spite.

But I tasted rage and almost threw up. I shook. I was GOING to kill myself. Get it? Dead. No more. I just wanted freedom from all this incessant worrying and stressing and drama. I didn't want to worry. I just wanted to end it all. ALL. I still taste Vodka.

It's hard for me to believe how scared I got. Before, when i first got depressed, it was a gradual thing, so i never noticed change and didn't scare myself, but i think i'm manic, and I just fell like a rock to the bottom of the well. It really scared me, almost made me realize how bad my state of mind is...so unstable. I think i need to go back to the shrink, maybe just once or twice. It didn't really help, but right now, talking is helping.

And, I really need to stop. It's always an empty promise, I promise and promise to change, but it's really just occurred to me that if I bring too much drama to the table, Antonio's gonna get tired of it. Even if the food were gourmet, if there's just drama around it, he will find somewhere else...I know he loves me, and I love him. But I can't keep putting him through torment. I need to do this so I can stay with him, so I can make him happy.

And if we DO break up, heaven forbid, i will survive. I will be sad, whatever, but I won't let it kill me entirely. I'll find another love, another person, maybe the person i used to want, anyone, and i'll keep going until i'm happy and they're happy. I don't know why i'm so unhappy, though...Antonio is like...the best thing to happen to me, it seems. He brings my self esteem up.

Antonio, I'm sorry. I will work my best to keep my drama to myself, to write, or whatever, as long as I don't hurt you anymore. I don't want you to leave me, but if you do, i don't blame you. I just want you to be happy, because I love you, even though i am only selfish. I say it all the time, and it never feels like i mean it, so i won't bother, but it's my promise to NEVER CUT MYSELF AGAIN and to stop being so angry all the time

Paranoia, Paranoia, everybody's comin' to get me, You'll wish you never met me...

Don't you hate that fucking paranoia? The kind that eats at you, makes you angry at a person who PROBABLY did nothing wrong, but what if they ARE cheating on you? What if they did before? How do you handle that when you actually love the person?

Case in point: All 5 of the lil bastards before Antonio cheated on me, they can go lick "high traffic" carpet, and I handled that by cursing their damned souls, and leaving. I did get hit once for confronting the truth, didn't go to the cops cos it wasn't that bad, but shit man, I left like hell. Only difference this time is, I love Antonio.


I trust him to do the right thing, but I can't help from being paranoid, from asking, from wondering, 'Would he? Could he? Has he?' I kind of wonder about the 'has he?' because about, I dunno, a year ago, after we had been together a few months, but not enough to be real serious, an old girlfriend came back (she'd moved to Kansas) for a visit or something. I know he was hanging out with her, getting drunk with her, etc. I also know he really loved her...I think he lost his virginity to her (pretty sure) and that was his longest relationship, not counting this one.

And he told me a couple weeks/months ago that if she hadn't moved away (9th grade) he would still be with her. He said he's slept with like...3 other girls *(NOT ME)* or 4, and that kind of bugs me...I know it's unrealistic to expect someone to wait, or be a virgin, or be pure and holy, or to never have loved before, but it REALLY bugs me about that...I have had other bfs, but I never did ANYTHING with them...hang out, maybe, but not fuck or make out, even...it was a completely lustless thing; i had no desire at the time for any of that shit...i was too young

So, anyway, he, of course, is a pervert, he loves girls...I know he's not the greatest catch, but i get pissed thinking about it. I kind of feel like he's cheating on me, but i know it's just my intense paranoia. I hate his drinking and all that shit cos of all the slutty stuff it could make a person do. And I don't want to fight with him about it, or break up with him, because i have no proof, i only know about stuff from before we hooked up, so I can't get mad about that; it's the past.

sigh...I don't wanna be annoying, but it BUGS THE HELL OUTTA ME :(

Excuse the mess, I stopped giving a fuck

I've felt this way for years, but especially lately, I've been really apathetic...I considered calling this blog "adventures in apathy" but really, now...

Apathy might not be the best word, but the next best thing would be angry...really angry. Like my friend Dulce says, nothing is good enough for me, and I'm a total bitch. I want my God-damn razors. Where the hell did I put those damn things? If my mom finds em, I'm screwed. Those things could kill :-O

Yeah. In case you didn't know, or even more unlikely, you cared, I cut myself. Not all braggy, I hate it. But I hate how people brag about it even more. It's just as bad as annorexia, or a crack-addiction, because it drags you in, and you can't cope with shit in a healthy way. But it's becoming a fad, and that pisses me off. If you're gonna fuck up your life and your body, do it because you're cornered and desperate, not because it's "cool."

Back on business, it's strange how filthy my mouth is. A normal person would be APALLED by the things I say...Nothing is exempt, I indiscriminately curse. Not entirely true, I avoid racial slurs partly because I don't know many, and because I think that racial slurs are idiotic...Like it's an insult to be ___...(except I don't like snobby rich people, and white people are really strange. I like very few of the white kids i've met)...Unfortunately, I have been known to FREQUENTLY insult sexual orientation, which doesn't make sense, because frankly, I don't give a crap who you love, as long as you are lucky enough to love SOMEONE. And I would hate for a girl to hit on me just as much as guy, partly because I don't appreciate any kind of that attention, and also because I have a boyfriend who molests me enough.

Yesterday, my mom was being a jerk about curfews and stuff. I understand her POV, but it was NOT fair that A.) I completed all my chores before I left, B.) I never get the chance to go out with my friends/Antonio for extended periods because I have a place to go to, which brings me to C.) I have to go to my dad's house, which I have no choice in the matter. It's not that I entirely hate it, I just like having some downtime to wander off and fuck around and do whatever I please without worrying about school, or being home in time to go to his house.

So she pissed me off. And then today, in school, this one whore named "Slotta" (teacher) was bitching about our Newspaper fundraiser...Yeah, if she doesn't like us selling chips and soda in the hall, which is debatable about its legality, she can fucking donate the last $500 so we can quit. Instead of questioning our methods, critisizing, and talking badly about us-kids she doesn't even know or understand- she should fucking learn to keep her ugly yap SHUT and be supportive, like the school SUGGESTS. I hate these hypocritical cunts who don't know what the fuck is what. I have more FUCKING denver CIS experience than that bitch, so she shouldn't fucking judge what I do.

As if I WANTED to move schools in my senior year.

Another teacher on my angry list is the teacher I have every day...OK, at lunch, I was busy putting the soda and chips away in the Newspaper lockers, took me a damn HOUR, and I didn't get to eat lunch, which was fine at the time because I ate breakfast like an hour and a half before, but I digress, if my fat-ass doesn't have time to eat, what the hell makes that whore think i have time for anything else? I was late to class -but excused by the school principal, thank you- due to my habit of wanting newspaper stuff to NOT be stolen...I couldn't find a paper and she was bitching at me about all the time i had...yeah, fucking, right. Go suck a big rooster, you cock-whore

PHEW a lot of bitchy old women today...Maybe it is my Destiny? Well, last was the substititute in Japanese...She just wanted to yell and bitch at everybody...6th graders can simply NOT settle down and concentrate on Cue...it's just not in their nature/agenda/blood/whatever. Not that that bitch could listen. And one of the kids is slightly special-ed, ADHD or something, so he has a hard enough time paying attention and understanding, and she wouldn't shut the hell up at him.

I feel like such a coward. I should have stood up to her and told her to back the fuck off, that we'd get stuff done. I wish I had, but if wishes and buts were candy and nuts, then Nechama would have a happy Christmas. It's unfortunate that my favorite teacher of all time was the one whose classroom this unfortunate incident occurred...otherwise, i probably WOULD have started shit...but Masha and I had a great time trashing that filthy pussy....**cough** anyway, she didn't know what the hell she was talking about. I out-Japanesed that old bitch.

WELL, folks, sorry to constantly bitch at the...well, no one...readers of this whiny thing...such is the life of an appropriately angry teenage girl, and **points to blog title** i really should just STFU, but it ain't happenin

Rainy Day

I love this weather...It's been quite rainy and cloudy here of late...Colorado is so damn sunny, I can't stand it. The sunshine makes me extra grumpy. Heat makes me grumpy, too. The rain is fantastic; cooling, refreshing, smells good, it's pretty colors. The only thing I truly love. It is a lie, demo ame ga honto ni daisuki desu yo...


Japanese is a really fun class. I love moving ahead of my classmates in there. What? No, it's not to be mean or conceited, it's the truth. My Japanese skills are better than theirs, and they get more out of the lessons without me there to tell them the answers. It challeneges all of us and such challenges lead to learning. Yay learning.

Japanese is my favorite class. Seeings as I HATE math, emphasis HATE, AP Calculus isn't going that great for me...I think the teacher is a very talented teacher, a funny guy, a nice man. I get more math now than ever before, but I still am not confident. Math just makes no sense to me.

AP Physics sucks too. It's an interesting topic, but basically, it is applied math, and the teacher is a bit rusty, although, I'm starting to get "it" as he gets back into the hang of teaching physics. Thursday we have a field trip to a golf course...yeah, it's kind of lame, but I think it's better than being stuck in class.

CIS Connections is fine. Yes, I hate it; it's so boring. We do stuff we need to do, but I still feel like it's mostly social hour, and honestly, that irks me. I like it ok because all my friends are there, but an hour and a half of nothing, or rushing makes me sleepy. I'm sleepy.


My PSEO class, my Creative Writing 221, is great. It's online, so it kind of sucks, and is great at the same time. I mean, I panicked today, because I finished writing my story at 1 in the morning on the day it was due, which was my fault, but then my internet wasn't working, and I was afraid I wouldn't get it in on time. I, thankfully, did. 9 pages 12 pt font, 1.5 spacing...almost 10, and with comments, it was 10.5 pages...

She liked it. I was so worried she would hate it, the professor, because I hate it. I was falling asleep as I wrote it. Not that it isn't an interesting Idea, i was just so tired. Not my best work. But the professor liked it, so I'm happy. 91/100...sounds good to me. Is that a wrong assumption? Anyway, it was supposed to show VOICE, which everyone in the class but my dumbass wrote as 1st person. I was about to cry when I read their stories in 1st person, and mine in 3rd...My old English teacher said it should be OK, and apparantly, it was...yay!

Only class left is Advisement. College is important, but I hate that class, especially all the "ALL SCHOOL MEETINGS" 3 times a week, and all the damn clubs taking presidence over Newspaper....what a frustrating new school. I miss West, but mostly just for Antonio. I have a lot more freedom, as I'm a Senior and have most of my credits...It's so pathetic I tell you. I have 206 credits. You need 220 to Graduate...

I'm fine, I will graduate on time, but I'm at least 10 credits behind everyone else in my class...It's strange, I'm like top 5% or something, but I still have fewer credits.

That's school. Hopefully real college will be better. I'm tired now. Please Read, and Comment!

Just a First

Of course, this isn't my first blog. I have a lot. But I needed to have something connected to ME when I Google myself. If you were to ask what the hell is wrong with me, I would have a lot of answers. Sorry to be a disappointment.

We all need to feel loved and needed and important, all that crap. Of course, I would settle for "famous and hated" as long as it meant I never hurt anyone...Would I? I've really been into the S&M shit lately...is it so bad? tee hee...

school is a terrible thing, but here I am. And college, here I come. Lock your doors and hide your babies.

But in the mean time, I will be content to merely Google myself