No.

No no no no no no. No. I want to speak, I must not speak. I want to scream, I already did, I must not scream again. I want to die, I want to die, is that all I see? What the fuck did I ever do that was so terrible? Did I ever kill anyone? Steal their something? Did I ever hurt someone so badly that I deserve this?

Interesting. I want to stop crying, I can do that. Did I hurt them so badly that I deserve to be tormented, ridiculed, ignored? That I deserve to be sought out when in hiding, to be screamed at? With those small blue eyes. I hate it. Why wouldn't I hide, when I cannot get a word in, when I get screamed at? Why wouldn't I leave a situation where I'm being attacked? If you were getting beat up, you'd do your best to run away wouldn't you?

Oh. My. God. I'm...I feel like...I'm going to. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. Oh. My. God. It hurts so much, I can't fucking breathe. You want to know this? No. You don't. Someone save me, oh GOD please let there be someone who understands, because all there is now is NO one. Wakaru? NO ONE. Not a single, living person I can turn to.

I need someone inside my head. God is here, listening, but it's like it doesn't matter because I can't see him. I want the fucking impossible. I want to rip my brains out and have it be all her fault

But it's better if i don't yell. If I don't speak. Speaking only leads to trouble. It only leads to more pain.

Oh. My. God. Why can't it be the good things that I do that they see? I'm trying my best to be positive, to do right, why do they keep attacking me? Why haven't i got anyone in this whole world?

Everyone leaves. they all do. Every last person I've ever cared about has slipped through my grasp. What I want doesn't really matter, now does it?

It seems like i'm trying to please everyone. I try to do the right things so that my mom is happy, my dad is happy, my friends are happy, my boyfriend is happy. When i try to do something to make me happy -all the time, it never fucking works, either- i'm a terrible person.

And I'm going to feel guilty about doing anything that makes me happy. It's on every fucking side of every issue. I cannot take this anymore. I'll cut myself to shreds before i accept being a lesser person, even if i am. I know i am, but damn if i'm going to...

fuck that. I'll just lie down and take it anyway. What's the point in speaking?

Besides, my parents just use me. My mom uses me to get back at my dad. My dad uses me to get back at my mom. My mom uses me to get money out of my dad. To make him unhappy because he's made her so unhappy. My dad uses me to take money from my mom, to make her miserable and her life more difficult.

I don't get to do much that I want to. I don't get to go out with my friends on weekends. I don't get to go do whatever I want. I can't even work. I can't do my homework. I can't concentrate. I don't even feel safe. I hate weekends. What kind of kid looks forward to the week?

Every last one. every last one. No one understands me. No one. I can't make myself happy. I can't make myself sane. I can't make them happy.

But if I'd never have been born, they wouldn't get an "accident." if my mom wanted a kid, she'd have gotten married or chosen when to get pregnant. I'm just a mistake. My dad didn't want kids. EVER.

I'm not even supposed to exist. I should just die. I feel sick. Want to leave.

Anywhere. But i can't bother them.

Just think of things it doesn't matter. Anything to distract. Please. Just make them all shut up. Please, God. There's nothing good in this. Trying doesnt fucking matter. Listening is teh only thing there is because she won't leave me time to talk. And she won't listen. None of them will.

I'm just looking for justification. it may be subjective. But this is all I have. And, in my mind, it is objective. There are things I should change. But i can't make time more. I can't make things go faster. I can't do everything at once. And, above all, I cannot be perfect.

At least the suicide has gone awa