Suicide
I have been really suicidal for years, but the last year or so, that ideaology has gone more or less away. I don't feel like giving up. I want to fight. I want to LIVE.
I'd forgotten how bad it feels to sincerely want to die. Today, Antonio and I got in a fight, and when we fight, when I fight with anyone, it feels like the end of the world. Not death, just like it will never get better and that nothing will be okay. I know that some dreams don't come true, they die. Look at Steve Irwin...that whole story makes me cry for some reason.
We were getting drunk, right, and then doing other stuff...Almost on purpose, I made myself depressed, afterward. I cut myself with my razor, and he looked at me. He said, "i'm going home."
he got dressed, and left, saying "It's the same old shit every time, you never change" and "fuck this"
I was acting like a crazy person, crying, saying "It's fair, it's fair, it's fair" because it is fair that he get angry when it's my fault. We'd been talking about it before, and i was saying about why i wanted to cut, but then i just lost it, and started cutting...it wasn't fair to HIM that I do that...I don't blame him!
But he left, and I HATE it when people just leave an arguement. I would rather work things out or fight till it gets stupid and funny, and you can't fight anymore. It's not like i haven't gotten mad, but i just can't leave, i can't walk away...He gets mad when i get mad, and then i get sad, apologize, but it's too late.
Kind of, it's not fair that I'm always sad, or mad, but don't act like that...I cut myself, but NO MORE. I grabbed my razors and threw them away in the dumpster. I don't want to hurt myself, nor do I want to be tempted...
Indeed, i DO want to cut, or just die, but i don't want to hurt anyone but myself, and he must really care, or must HAVE really CARED, because hurting me hurts him, and my friends and mom.
I scared myself. When he was leaving, i was going to kill myself. Not the whim thing, the sincere thing. If you haven't lived it, it's hard to know what I mean, but it's like, your world goes black, you literally cannot see, except for the bloody wrists, the blank eyes, the faint smile, the scream of horror, the cry of regret, or maybe anger, on loved ones' faces, the funeral, the future missed. You can almost feel your life slipping away, like you're throwing it away. For me, this time, it was pure RAGE. I was so angry, and sad, because the two emotions are very close to each other in me, that I would have killed myself from spite.
But I tasted rage and almost threw up. I shook. I was GOING to kill myself. Get it? Dead. No more. I just wanted freedom from all this incessant worrying and stressing and drama. I didn't want to worry. I just wanted to end it all. ALL. I still taste Vodka.
It's hard for me to believe how scared I got. Before, when i first got depressed, it was a gradual thing, so i never noticed change and didn't scare myself, but i think i'm manic, and I just fell like a rock to the bottom of the well. It really scared me, almost made me realize how bad my state of mind is...so unstable. I think i need to go back to the shrink, maybe just once or twice. It didn't really help, but right now, talking is helping.
And, I really need to stop. It's always an empty promise, I promise and promise to change, but it's really just occurred to me that if I bring too much drama to the table, Antonio's gonna get tired of it. Even if the food were gourmet, if there's just drama around it, he will find somewhere else...I know he loves me, and I love him. But I can't keep putting him through torment. I need to do this so I can stay with him, so I can make him happy.
And if we DO break up, heaven forbid, i will survive. I will be sad, whatever, but I won't let it kill me entirely. I'll find another love, another person, maybe the person i used to want, anyone, and i'll keep going until i'm happy and they're happy. I don't know why i'm so unhappy, though...Antonio is like...the best thing to happen to me, it seems. He brings my self esteem up.
Antonio, I'm sorry. I will work my best to keep my drama to myself, to write, or whatever, as long as I don't hurt you anymore. I don't want you to leave me, but if you do, i don't blame you. I just want you to be happy, because I love you, even though i am only selfish. I say it all the time, and it never feels like i mean it, so i won't bother, but it's my promise to NEVER CUT MYSELF AGAIN and to stop being so angry all the time
I'd forgotten how bad it feels to sincerely want to die. Today, Antonio and I got in a fight, and when we fight, when I fight with anyone, it feels like the end of the world. Not death, just like it will never get better and that nothing will be okay. I know that some dreams don't come true, they die. Look at Steve Irwin...that whole story makes me cry for some reason.
We were getting drunk, right, and then doing other stuff...Almost on purpose, I made myself depressed, afterward. I cut myself with my razor, and he looked at me. He said, "i'm going home."
he got dressed, and left, saying "It's the same old shit every time, you never change" and "fuck this"
I was acting like a crazy person, crying, saying "It's fair, it's fair, it's fair" because it is fair that he get angry when it's my fault. We'd been talking about it before, and i was saying about why i wanted to cut, but then i just lost it, and started cutting...it wasn't fair to HIM that I do that...I don't blame him!
But he left, and I HATE it when people just leave an arguement. I would rather work things out or fight till it gets stupid and funny, and you can't fight anymore. It's not like i haven't gotten mad, but i just can't leave, i can't walk away...He gets mad when i get mad, and then i get sad, apologize, but it's too late.
Kind of, it's not fair that I'm always sad, or mad, but don't act like that...I cut myself, but NO MORE. I grabbed my razors and threw them away in the dumpster. I don't want to hurt myself, nor do I want to be tempted...
Indeed, i DO want to cut, or just die, but i don't want to hurt anyone but myself, and he must really care, or must HAVE really CARED, because hurting me hurts him, and my friends and mom.
I scared myself. When he was leaving, i was going to kill myself. Not the whim thing, the sincere thing. If you haven't lived it, it's hard to know what I mean, but it's like, your world goes black, you literally cannot see, except for the bloody wrists, the blank eyes, the faint smile, the scream of horror, the cry of regret, or maybe anger, on loved ones' faces, the funeral, the future missed. You can almost feel your life slipping away, like you're throwing it away. For me, this time, it was pure RAGE. I was so angry, and sad, because the two emotions are very close to each other in me, that I would have killed myself from spite.
But I tasted rage and almost threw up. I shook. I was GOING to kill myself. Get it? Dead. No more. I just wanted freedom from all this incessant worrying and stressing and drama. I didn't want to worry. I just wanted to end it all. ALL. I still taste Vodka.
It's hard for me to believe how scared I got. Before, when i first got depressed, it was a gradual thing, so i never noticed change and didn't scare myself, but i think i'm manic, and I just fell like a rock to the bottom of the well. It really scared me, almost made me realize how bad my state of mind is...so unstable. I think i need to go back to the shrink, maybe just once or twice. It didn't really help, but right now, talking is helping.
And, I really need to stop. It's always an empty promise, I promise and promise to change, but it's really just occurred to me that if I bring too much drama to the table, Antonio's gonna get tired of it. Even if the food were gourmet, if there's just drama around it, he will find somewhere else...I know he loves me, and I love him. But I can't keep putting him through torment. I need to do this so I can stay with him, so I can make him happy.
And if we DO break up, heaven forbid, i will survive. I will be sad, whatever, but I won't let it kill me entirely. I'll find another love, another person, maybe the person i used to want, anyone, and i'll keep going until i'm happy and they're happy. I don't know why i'm so unhappy, though...Antonio is like...the best thing to happen to me, it seems. He brings my self esteem up.
Antonio, I'm sorry. I will work my best to keep my drama to myself, to write, or whatever, as long as I don't hurt you anymore. I don't want you to leave me, but if you do, i don't blame you. I just want you to be happy, because I love you, even though i am only selfish. I say it all the time, and it never feels like i mean it, so i won't bother, but it's my promise to NEVER CUT MYSELF AGAIN and to stop being so angry all the time
posted by Julie @ 9:05 PM
1 Comments:
At 9:51 PM,
Unknown said…
girl u need help think of everbody u affect by doing this. You gotta cure yourself not only for you but also for your near and dear ones who getaffected by your actions .. u cant get love unless u give love.
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