It Comes And Goes

And someone pretends to give a damn...

Why am I always so manic? Sometimes, I 'm euphoric, others utterly and completely without hope. What was it, two weeks ago? Just one? Oh, I suppose 12 days ago. I was "gonna do it."

Sounds improbable, my mom was home, Antonio was home, even Tamara and her mom were here. But I was all alone. Doing whatever I was supposed to be doing. But I CRIED, my GOD, how I cried. and then, I got calm. Stood up. I couldn't stop walking. I put the bottle of bleach to my lips, and tipped it back. It flowed, towards my lips, relentlessly. But then, I thought, "No."

How else am I going to get back at them if I'm alive? I cried some more. Oh, my weakness, oh, my blessed weakness, nearly took my life, my weakness saved it.

Things go up and down. I really hate small towns. The small town thought. The small town xenophobia. Even with cultural differences, everyone looks the same. I heard so much racist, closed minded crap, it would have made your ears bleed. I wanted to scream. And I again wanted to die.

Because no one's got the balls anymore. No one wants to muck around in the woods at night. "It's dark." or "it's cold." or "it's muddy, i don't wanna get muddy."

People don't wanna do what it takes to win. People would rather keep their shoes clean than have some fun. It's stupid. And no one sees it from my eyes. They scoff at me, like every thought I've ever had is completely worthless. And since my thoughts are all I truly have, I am, therefore, worthless.

I've known it from the start, but when it comes from certain lips, Lord, it makes my blood boil. I am sorry I am this way, I am sorry to be so angry, but I can't help it. Trying to change doesn't do anything, and no one can really change who they are. It sickens everyone I know when I rage. It sickens me, too. But sometimes, I just can't control myself. Stuff breaks, words fly, and I break myself. I hate myself. Why the fuck do you think I cut myself??

And through it all, all i want is LOVE. Not just "love." I want "LOVE." Relentless. Unconditional. Like I'm all there is. I don't want to be some consolation prize. "Well, she moved away, and I never bothered to ask her out, so i got you. Lucky for you!" and I don't want to be manipulated into things. I want more control than "if you don't come, i'll dump you." and "I've taken enough shit, i don't need it from you."

I don't like it when he drinks. I hate it. It's the worst. He hurts me then. He says terrible things. He breaks my heart. He hurts himself. He gets in fights. He gets in trouble with the cops. He cries to me. He yells at me. He trusts me. He trusts no one. He needs to STOP! But he can't, he won't, because no one fucking changes, it's all just a big load of crap. I hate it all.

I hate it all. I want it to end, I want it how I want it. I want it where I can deal. I want it how I want it, I WANT IT NOW!

If only I were born 4 years earlier...I could have had what I really wanted in the first place. I wouldn't have had to waste my time with jerks, until I was "legal." I wouldn't have had to give up the one I loved for true love. I wouldn't have had to lose my fantasy. If i were born just 4 years earlier, i'm sure, things would be different. Maybe I could even stand to look at my wretched self.