Paranoia, Paranoia, everybody's comin' to get me, You'll wish you never met me...
Don't you hate that fucking paranoia? The kind that eats at you, makes you angry at a person who PROBABLY did nothing wrong, but what if they ARE cheating on you? What if they did before? How do you handle that when you actually love the person?
Case in point: All 5 of the lil bastards before Antonio cheated on me, they can go lick "high traffic" carpet, and I handled that by cursing their damned souls, and leaving. I did get hit once for confronting the truth, didn't go to the cops cos it wasn't that bad, but shit man, I left like hell. Only difference this time is, I love Antonio.
I trust him to do the right thing, but I can't help from being paranoid, from asking, from wondering, 'Would he? Could he? Has he?' I kind of wonder about the 'has he?' because about, I dunno, a year ago, after we had been together a few months, but not enough to be real serious, an old girlfriend came back (she'd moved to Kansas) for a visit or something. I know he was hanging out with her, getting drunk with her, etc. I also know he really loved her...I think he lost his virginity to her (pretty sure) and that was his longest relationship, not counting this one.
And he told me a couple weeks/months ago that if she hadn't moved away (9th grade) he would still be with her. He said he's slept with like...3 other girls *(NOT ME)* or 4, and that kind of bugs me...I know it's unrealistic to expect someone to wait, or be a virgin, or be pure and holy, or to never have loved before, but it REALLY bugs me about that...I have had other bfs, but I never did ANYTHING with them...hang out, maybe, but not fuck or make out, even...it was a completely lustless thing; i had no desire at the time for any of that shit...i was too young
So, anyway, he, of course, is a pervert, he loves girls...I know he's not the greatest catch, but i get pissed thinking about it. I kind of feel like he's cheating on me, but i know it's just my intense paranoia. I hate his drinking and all that shit cos of all the slutty stuff it could make a person do. And I don't want to fight with him about it, or break up with him, because i have no proof, i only know about stuff from before we hooked up, so I can't get mad about that; it's the past.
sigh...I don't wanna be annoying, but it BUGS THE HELL OUTTA ME :(
Case in point: All 5 of the lil bastards before Antonio cheated on me, they can go lick "high traffic" carpet, and I handled that by cursing their damned souls, and leaving. I did get hit once for confronting the truth, didn't go to the cops cos it wasn't that bad, but shit man, I left like hell. Only difference this time is, I love Antonio.
I trust him to do the right thing, but I can't help from being paranoid, from asking, from wondering, 'Would he? Could he? Has he?' I kind of wonder about the 'has he?' because about, I dunno, a year ago, after we had been together a few months, but not enough to be real serious, an old girlfriend came back (she'd moved to Kansas) for a visit or something. I know he was hanging out with her, getting drunk with her, etc. I also know he really loved her...I think he lost his virginity to her (pretty sure) and that was his longest relationship, not counting this one.
And he told me a couple weeks/months ago that if she hadn't moved away (9th grade) he would still be with her. He said he's slept with like...3 other girls *(NOT ME)* or 4, and that kind of bugs me...I know it's unrealistic to expect someone to wait, or be a virgin, or be pure and holy, or to never have loved before, but it REALLY bugs me about that...I have had other bfs, but I never did ANYTHING with them...hang out, maybe, but not fuck or make out, even...it was a completely lustless thing; i had no desire at the time for any of that shit...i was too young
So, anyway, he, of course, is a pervert, he loves girls...I know he's not the greatest catch, but i get pissed thinking about it. I kind of feel like he's cheating on me, but i know it's just my intense paranoia. I hate his drinking and all that shit cos of all the slutty stuff it could make a person do. And I don't want to fight with him about it, or break up with him, because i have no proof, i only know about stuff from before we hooked up, so I can't get mad about that; it's the past.
sigh...I don't wanna be annoying, but it BUGS THE HELL OUTTA ME :(
posted by Julie @ 10:18 PM
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