ranting

what is it with my bf?!?!?!

I call him, hysterical, today, CRYING MY FUCKING EYES OUT, and he kind of pays attention to me, but mostly by blaming me for feeling homesick. mostly, he pays attention to his GODDAMN FUCKING VIDEO GAMES and his friends. gee, thanks

and not only that, today, I'm talking, pretty FUCKING sure he isn't listening because I ask a question and he doesn't answer until i ask it 2 more times.

and WHAT THE FUCK is it!?!?! that he'll talk to his friends JUST FUCKING FINE all friendly and happy and cheerful and shit but with me he doesn't say ANYTHING, even when I ask him to. he acts like the world is ending. he's all gloomy and sad and quiet and miserable.

why does he sound so miserable when he's talking to me?

he got mad that i didn't talk to him like i do my friends, so i changed that. i make a goddamn effort even when i don't feel like talking to ANYONE. and then I ask him to talk to ME, to confide in ME, to share with ME, his GIRLFRIEND of 3 and a half FUCKING years, and then he goes off the handle about how he doesn't WANT to talk to me, how i don't help him...

...he doesn't really help me that much, and i don't like talking about it, but i tell him

and he can't say more than "yup" or "nope" or "nothing" or "k" to me?!?!?!?!? but he can talk about it to OTHER people?!?!??!

how could I even tell him what i feel, because i NEVER tell people how i'm feeling about them. because i get mad, and my tone gets mean, and i say bad things i really don't mean. I guess he means what he says, in which case, ALL of the HORRIBLE things he's said to me, he's meant.

why do i let people treat me so bad? it isn't just him.

i'm fine. i promise. i don't want to talk about this. i just needed to rant into space, so if you read this, sorry.

i think i just need a friend.