No.

No no no no no no. No. I want to speak, I must not speak. I want to scream, I already did, I must not scream again. I want to die, I want to die, is that all I see? What the fuck did I ever do that was so terrible? Did I ever kill anyone? Steal their something? Did I ever hurt someone so badly that I deserve this?

Interesting. I want to stop crying, I can do that. Did I hurt them so badly that I deserve to be tormented, ridiculed, ignored? That I deserve to be sought out when in hiding, to be screamed at? With those small blue eyes. I hate it. Why wouldn't I hide, when I cannot get a word in, when I get screamed at? Why wouldn't I leave a situation where I'm being attacked? If you were getting beat up, you'd do your best to run away wouldn't you?

Oh. My. God. I'm...I feel like...I'm going to. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. Oh. My. God. It hurts so much, I can't fucking breathe. You want to know this? No. You don't. Someone save me, oh GOD please let there be someone who understands, because all there is now is NO one. Wakaru? NO ONE. Not a single, living person I can turn to.

I need someone inside my head. God is here, listening, but it's like it doesn't matter because I can't see him. I want the fucking impossible. I want to rip my brains out and have it be all her fault

But it's better if i don't yell. If I don't speak. Speaking only leads to trouble. It only leads to more pain.

Oh. My. God. Why can't it be the good things that I do that they see? I'm trying my best to be positive, to do right, why do they keep attacking me? Why haven't i got anyone in this whole world?

Everyone leaves. they all do. Every last person I've ever cared about has slipped through my grasp. What I want doesn't really matter, now does it?

It seems like i'm trying to please everyone. I try to do the right things so that my mom is happy, my dad is happy, my friends are happy, my boyfriend is happy. When i try to do something to make me happy -all the time, it never fucking works, either- i'm a terrible person.

And I'm going to feel guilty about doing anything that makes me happy. It's on every fucking side of every issue. I cannot take this anymore. I'll cut myself to shreds before i accept being a lesser person, even if i am. I know i am, but damn if i'm going to...

fuck that. I'll just lie down and take it anyway. What's the point in speaking?

Besides, my parents just use me. My mom uses me to get back at my dad. My dad uses me to get back at my mom. My mom uses me to get money out of my dad. To make him unhappy because he's made her so unhappy. My dad uses me to take money from my mom, to make her miserable and her life more difficult.

I don't get to do much that I want to. I don't get to go out with my friends on weekends. I don't get to go do whatever I want. I can't even work. I can't do my homework. I can't concentrate. I don't even feel safe. I hate weekends. What kind of kid looks forward to the week?

Every last one. every last one. No one understands me. No one. I can't make myself happy. I can't make myself sane. I can't make them happy.

But if I'd never have been born, they wouldn't get an "accident." if my mom wanted a kid, she'd have gotten married or chosen when to get pregnant. I'm just a mistake. My dad didn't want kids. EVER.

I'm not even supposed to exist. I should just die. I feel sick. Want to leave.

Anywhere. But i can't bother them.

Just think of things it doesn't matter. Anything to distract. Please. Just make them all shut up. Please, God. There's nothing good in this. Trying doesnt fucking matter. Listening is teh only thing there is because she won't leave me time to talk. And she won't listen. None of them will.

I'm just looking for justification. it may be subjective. But this is all I have. And, in my mind, it is objective. There are things I should change. But i can't make time more. I can't make things go faster. I can't do everything at once. And, above all, I cannot be perfect.

At least the suicide has gone awa

I'm going to scream like a fan girl in 5...4...3...2...

1! Nine Inch Nail's new album, year zero is gonna hit the fan on April 17. I cannot hardly wait!!!!!!! I already love to look at the beautifully titled new songs.

Take a look for yourself

http://yearzero.nin.com/0.gif


oh boy!!!! I'm looking forward to hearing them ALL! but especially My Violent Heart.

I'm so violent <3

Currently, the band is on tour in Europe. I wish I could go to Japan to see them on tour...kill two birds with one stone, you know.

Well, that's all. I must continue to spread the NIN love!!!

march of pigs

a lovely conversation between my friend and I...I'm texhnolyze23

Texhnolyze23 [10:48 PM]: hi :)
Breezbox6 [10:48 PM]: Hey, how are you?? I love you so much for introducing me to DSW by the way
Texhnolyze23 [10:49 PM]: i'm alright. LOL glad you like that place :)
Texhnolyze23 [10:49 PM]: how are you?
Breezbox6 [10:50 PM]: Good, we went to little tokyo today and then DSW. I found some Vaneli shoes for 10 bucks!!! They were originally 109
Texhnolyze23 [10:50 PM]: WOW good deal!!!!!
Breezbox6 [10:50 PM]: yeah, that's what I said, LOL. How's school? Excited about college?Texhnolyze23 [10:51 PM]: i'm excited for graduation and portfolio presentations (where i show off my high school acomplishments, something i've been looking forward to since 9th grade), and yeah, college....kinda nervous, though.
Texhnolyze23 [10:51 PM]: how about you?
Breezbox6 [10:52 PM]: Cool, we had something similar in HS like that. good starting school again next monday, so a little anxious. My uncle who is a year and nine months older than me started attending school again so I'm happy. He's so smart he placed in my math.
Texhnolyze23 [10:53 PM]: wow!! that's awesome!!! Congratulations to your uncle :) and you'll do fine at school; you're super smart yourself
Breezbox6 [10:54 PM]: AWWWW!! :-[ You have so much confidence in me!
Texhnolyze23 [10:54 PM]: you've done nothing to not deserve it...double negatives, sorry Breezbox6 [10:55 PM]: Thanks your really smart to but you know that. I saw something really intresting today. People in little tokyo were protesting the war in Iraq
Texhnolyze23 [10:55 PM]: lol hubba wha?
Breezbox6 [10:56 PM]: I think people are finally starting to pick on what's going on.
Texhnolyze23 [10:56 PM]: indeed. people are fed up with the war
Breezbox6 [10:57 PM]: exactly. Now people are like 'hey, why ARE we in Iraq?" The president also asked for more troops to be sent there too.
Texhnolyze23 [10:57 PM]: oh i know. he's desperate. but they aren't going to have a draft cos then too many rich brats will get sent over to war
Breezbox6 [10:58 PM]: you think so? They are ALWAYS at the school I work at trying to recruit the kids. The kids aren't fooled though.
Breezbox6 [10:59 PM]: And at the community colleges. You don't see recruiters at standford
Texhnolyze23 [10:59 PM]: thank God. oh i know. they don't WANT rich, white boys to die in this stupid war, i think sometimes, cos it seems like that's the demographic they care about most
Breezbox6 [11:00 PM]: exactly. You don't know how much it irritated me when the war first started how everyone was like we should kill them all.
Breezbox6 [11:00 PM]: Did you know that only one of the guys on the plane was even from Iraq?
Texhnolyze23 [11:01 PM]: i know....Bush is too inconsistent with the reason we're even IN Iraq Texhnolyze23 [11:01 PM]: i say, it's cos hussein threatened his daddy, and this is paybacks Breezbox6 [11:02 PM]: because it's for the oil. Isn't Hussein dead now? So why are we STILL over there?
Texhnolyze23 [11:02 PM]: yeah he died. we're over there still because we can't just up and leave once we started this mess. they're trying to prevent a civil war, too. but i'm wondering if that
Texhnolyze23 [11:03 PM]: will sort things out, and they can figure things out on their own. I want the best for everybody, but America's turned into the "world police" and needs to mind its OWN business. or at least just work on tearing down this crazy capitalism and make the average worker make more than nothing, and the boss make less than everything Texhnolyze23 [11:04 PM]: plus, I think this "illegal immigration" business is just the government trying to distract people from the war
Breezbox6 [11:05 PM]: Your so smart!! that is exactly right!!! We don't own that country. Your right about that too. Do you know what the police did over here?
Texhnolyze23 [11:05 PM]: what'd they do?
Breezbox6 [11:06 PM]: Yesterday I must have encountered 12 police men on the way to work. I was like they're up to something. Next thing I know, they're at a stroplight carding everybody to see if they were legal or not.
Texhnolyze23 [11:06 PM]: shit that's STUPID
Breezbox6 [11:06 PM]: stoplight
Breezbox6 [11:06 PM]: yeah, I was pissed. The police are just another gang now.
Texhnolyze23 [11:07 PM]: ok, i can see wanting to send the "illegals" who are selling drugs and hurting people back to whereever, but AMERICANS are doing that too. And there are plenty of these RICH AMERICANS who own illegal slaves. ok, which is worse? coming to America illegally to work and help your family, or being an American slave owner? yeah the cops are always picking on my boyfriend for no reason
Breezbox6 [11:09 PM]: That is such a good term to use!!! I'm going to tell my mom to use that term. I'm sooo sorry, but I have to go to church tomorrow. I loved talking to you, you're soooo smart.
Texhnolyze23 [11:09 PM]: it's ok, have fun at church and I loved talking to you too!!! you're smarter :)
Breezbox6 [11:09 PM]: LOL, no way, I love you sleep tight.
Texhnolyze23 [11:09 PM]: you too!!! don't let the pigs get to you!
Breezbox6 [11:10 PM]: LOL, I won't bye!!!!
Texhnolyze23 [11:10 PM]: bye ^__^ take care!
Breezbox6 [11:10 PM]: bye