A Miserable Sort of Existance

People are thoroughly different. Americans tend to be too opinionated. Nothing wrong with having your beliefs, but sometimes it's necessary to compromise. Okay, nobody here is the same; America is a country of many nations, people, and cultures. We're all living here; it's AMERICA, it isn't Canada, Mexico, France, China, India, Russia, wherever. I'm not saying don't be proud of who you are; to the contrary! Show your pride! But the point is, the is America, we are all living here, and we need to get along.

You are who you are, I am who I am. But if you're my neighbor, we are equal. There are different circumstances, but wherever you go, you'll find similarities, and differences. We need to build bridges over what's similar, not tear ourselves apart over what's different. We all live here, we need to improve conditions for each other. It's more important to support each other regardless of our differences.

I don't believe in all this sensationalist propaganda. America is NOTHING but Sensationalism and Propaganda. You only hear about interesting stuff, the controversy. The media wants to show us the extremes to get good ratings, but people take it as the norm. The government wants you to see the all-the way-PRO AMERICA propoganda, and Anti-American, to keep us confused, to keep us under their thumb. They want us to be scared, so that they can keep on their anti-Islam, anti-Arab, pro-oil, and more MONEY for them. They don't really care about the voters, the people, be it white or black or hispanic or anything else. They only care about ONE thing: their money, well being, and power

It's all about money. But Power corrupts all men (and women). These CEOs are running companies into the ground, and bailing out with their golden parachutes. Making money they don't really deserve, and getting there by stepping on the backs of the used, broken, and abused.

"Head Like a Hole" -Nine Inch Nails. Listen to it.

Story of America: Get rich and powerful by taking advantage of people. Kill them, rape them, take everything from them, until they haven't the energy to fight back, and when they do, repeat.

And our President? An incompetent, self-serving fool. Now that things are bad, with the stupid war, which he promised us would be short, and look at us with 3000+ US soldiers dead, how many Iraqi and Afghan CIVILIONS and soldiers, animals, Americans, and an International handful of casualties, he doesn't want to take responsibility.

How does he take the spotlight off his shortcomings? Bring up Illegal Immigration. Yes, it's a problem, yes, not everyone who wants to come can unfortunately, there isn't enough room, yes, they're hurting Americans. I'm not denying any of the issues with it, but this is my biggest concern with it: Bush only brought up Illegal Immigration to take the spotlight off his many, MANY shortcomings

People, use your head. Thoroughly research everything, every side of an issue, before you get all opinionated and pissed about it. America's got problems as bad as anywhere else, don't deny them, look them straight in the face to resolve them permanently so we won't have to deal with them again. Don't believe that everything is safe, and OKAY, and dandy, but don't get all paranoid, don't worry about death. We're all gonna die, how is the only unknown. Just do what you gotta, and if you are gonna die, do what you can, or die.

It's not the worst thing; dying and be dead is one thing, living death is so much worse.

Shortness

It took me 3 days, many boring hours, pain, sweat, and frustration, but i'm ready to start applying to my scholarships...49, let's see how it goes

I'm glad for my friends that love me no matter what and don't treat me any different because of my problems, or grades, or good things, or anything...they love me for me, and that's all i ask

I am really blessed... :)

stupid picture =]

From Left:
Dino, Kristal, Zak, Me.

We're Seniors at DCIS! There are a couple more white kids, maybe 3, i lost track. Anyway, we're the only ones in this picture. Dino and Kristal are workin' it with the stripes, Zak's lookin' classy, and I look like the Goth reject-moron of the century, with my habitual Japanese-esque Peace sign and dim grin plastered on my face.

And I still have the habit of grabbing people by the elbow like that...weird :)

It Comes And Goes

And someone pretends to give a damn...

Why am I always so manic? Sometimes, I 'm euphoric, others utterly and completely without hope. What was it, two weeks ago? Just one? Oh, I suppose 12 days ago. I was "gonna do it."

Sounds improbable, my mom was home, Antonio was home, even Tamara and her mom were here. But I was all alone. Doing whatever I was supposed to be doing. But I CRIED, my GOD, how I cried. and then, I got calm. Stood up. I couldn't stop walking. I put the bottle of bleach to my lips, and tipped it back. It flowed, towards my lips, relentlessly. But then, I thought, "No."

How else am I going to get back at them if I'm alive? I cried some more. Oh, my weakness, oh, my blessed weakness, nearly took my life, my weakness saved it.

Things go up and down. I really hate small towns. The small town thought. The small town xenophobia. Even with cultural differences, everyone looks the same. I heard so much racist, closed minded crap, it would have made your ears bleed. I wanted to scream. And I again wanted to die.

Because no one's got the balls anymore. No one wants to muck around in the woods at night. "It's dark." or "it's cold." or "it's muddy, i don't wanna get muddy."

People don't wanna do what it takes to win. People would rather keep their shoes clean than have some fun. It's stupid. And no one sees it from my eyes. They scoff at me, like every thought I've ever had is completely worthless. And since my thoughts are all I truly have, I am, therefore, worthless.

I've known it from the start, but when it comes from certain lips, Lord, it makes my blood boil. I am sorry I am this way, I am sorry to be so angry, but I can't help it. Trying to change doesn't do anything, and no one can really change who they are. It sickens everyone I know when I rage. It sickens me, too. But sometimes, I just can't control myself. Stuff breaks, words fly, and I break myself. I hate myself. Why the fuck do you think I cut myself??

And through it all, all i want is LOVE. Not just "love." I want "LOVE." Relentless. Unconditional. Like I'm all there is. I don't want to be some consolation prize. "Well, she moved away, and I never bothered to ask her out, so i got you. Lucky for you!" and I don't want to be manipulated into things. I want more control than "if you don't come, i'll dump you." and "I've taken enough shit, i don't need it from you."

I don't like it when he drinks. I hate it. It's the worst. He hurts me then. He says terrible things. He breaks my heart. He hurts himself. He gets in fights. He gets in trouble with the cops. He cries to me. He yells at me. He trusts me. He trusts no one. He needs to STOP! But he can't, he won't, because no one fucking changes, it's all just a big load of crap. I hate it all.

I hate it all. I want it to end, I want it how I want it. I want it where I can deal. I want it how I want it, I WANT IT NOW!

If only I were born 4 years earlier...I could have had what I really wanted in the first place. I wouldn't have had to waste my time with jerks, until I was "legal." I wouldn't have had to give up the one I loved for true love. I wouldn't have had to lose my fantasy. If i were born just 4 years earlier, i'm sure, things would be different. Maybe I could even stand to look at my wretched self.