ranting

what is it with my bf?!?!?!

I call him, hysterical, today, CRYING MY FUCKING EYES OUT, and he kind of pays attention to me, but mostly by blaming me for feeling homesick. mostly, he pays attention to his GODDAMN FUCKING VIDEO GAMES and his friends. gee, thanks

and not only that, today, I'm talking, pretty FUCKING sure he isn't listening because I ask a question and he doesn't answer until i ask it 2 more times.

and WHAT THE FUCK is it!?!?! that he'll talk to his friends JUST FUCKING FINE all friendly and happy and cheerful and shit but with me he doesn't say ANYTHING, even when I ask him to. he acts like the world is ending. he's all gloomy and sad and quiet and miserable.

why does he sound so miserable when he's talking to me?

he got mad that i didn't talk to him like i do my friends, so i changed that. i make a goddamn effort even when i don't feel like talking to ANYONE. and then I ask him to talk to ME, to confide in ME, to share with ME, his GIRLFRIEND of 3 and a half FUCKING years, and then he goes off the handle about how he doesn't WANT to talk to me, how i don't help him...

...he doesn't really help me that much, and i don't like talking about it, but i tell him

and he can't say more than "yup" or "nope" or "nothing" or "k" to me?!?!?!?!? but he can talk about it to OTHER people?!?!??!

how could I even tell him what i feel, because i NEVER tell people how i'm feeling about them. because i get mad, and my tone gets mean, and i say bad things i really don't mean. I guess he means what he says, in which case, ALL of the HORRIBLE things he's said to me, he's meant.

why do i let people treat me so bad? it isn't just him.

i'm fine. i promise. i don't want to talk about this. i just needed to rant into space, so if you read this, sorry.

i think i just need a friend.

I like this a LOT

This is crazy...cuz none of this is an exaggeration lol
If your from Colorado....

You'll eat ice cream in the winter.

When the weather report says it's going to be 65 degrees, you shave your legs and wear a skirt.

It snows 6 inches and you don't expect school to be cancelled.

You'll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature.

You have no accent at all, but can hear other people's. And then you make fun of them.

"Humid" is over 20%.

Your sense of direction is: Toward the mountains and Away from the mountains.

You think that May is a totally normal month for a blizzard, and you grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your coat.

You know what the Continental Divide is.

You don't think Coors beer is that big a deal.

You went to Casa Bonita as a child.

You bought your car from John Elway.

You were tear gassed at college and you can't even remember why....something about football...

You've gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such activities.

You always know the elevation of where you are.

You know that there are two kinds of Colorado Girls: those who shave, and those who don't.

You wake up to a beautiful, 80 degree day and you wonder if it's going to snow tomorrow.

You don't care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at Mile High.

You know that Colfax is a street you would most likely find a hooker.

You get pissed off when people confuse Colorado with Kansas, Nebraska, Wyoming, or "one of those other big square states out west."

When you hear that the Chiefs and the Raiders are having bad seasons, you laugh uncontrollably.

Every movie theater has military and student discounts.

Everybody wears jeans to church.

You actually know that South Park is a real place not just a show on TV.

You know what a "trust fund hippy" is, and you know its natural habitat is Boulder.

You've made naked snow angels.

You know you're talking to a fellow Coloradan when they call it Elitches, not Six Flags.

You can never figure out why your out-of-town guests faint from altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains.

Your two favorite teams are the Broncos and whoever is beating the crap out of the Raiders.

You've been to the original Chipotle near the DU campus on Evans.

When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you just laugh.

You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels "sticky" and you notice the sky is no longer blue.

REPOST IF YOU LIVE IN OR ARE FROM CO!!

with such a fragile sense of finality, my heart breaks under its weight

I know my whole life is ahead of me, and that this is just a phase of many coming to an end, but I cannot help feel such...finality.

High school is -for me- over. I just have a few more responsibilities, and then...it's OVER. Believe me, I'm incredibly glad. I want to get into the future and see what I will become.

But, I WILL miss my friends, especially Mayte. I worry that we will lose contact. It's breaking my heart.

and my sister, I love her to death. How can I leave?

but i AM leaving, in 5 months. Can you believe that?

Today I did my presentation. I excelled at it. Everyone was "wowed." Stupid Mayte started cry, and made me cry, something that shocked me. I cried at hers, she cried a little then.

It was just so WEIRD to see my classmate -in my grade- doing this. I've seen plenty of others, from other grades, in the past, and always looked so forward to mine. I mean, afterall, i get to share myself with people. Everything I've done well, and experienced, it's been like, "oh, i gotta save this for my portfolio. oh, i want to present that."

and now it's done, and i have no where to put my thoughts. It's a very lost feeling. ^^

I am glad, though. it was a success, a flying one. I want to cry, but my own weakness of hating to show much REAL emotion is in the way. If i cry, it's usually me forcing myself to. And then it only lasts for a minute. I only truly cry when i'm PISSED.

This sucks. I am listening to "otherside" by the red hot chili peppers, too.

heh

No.

No no no no no no. No. I want to speak, I must not speak. I want to scream, I already did, I must not scream again. I want to die, I want to die, is that all I see? What the fuck did I ever do that was so terrible? Did I ever kill anyone? Steal their something? Did I ever hurt someone so badly that I deserve this?

Interesting. I want to stop crying, I can do that. Did I hurt them so badly that I deserve to be tormented, ridiculed, ignored? That I deserve to be sought out when in hiding, to be screamed at? With those small blue eyes. I hate it. Why wouldn't I hide, when I cannot get a word in, when I get screamed at? Why wouldn't I leave a situation where I'm being attacked? If you were getting beat up, you'd do your best to run away wouldn't you?

Oh. My. God. I'm...I feel like...I'm going to. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. Oh. My. God. It hurts so much, I can't fucking breathe. You want to know this? No. You don't. Someone save me, oh GOD please let there be someone who understands, because all there is now is NO one. Wakaru? NO ONE. Not a single, living person I can turn to.

I need someone inside my head. God is here, listening, but it's like it doesn't matter because I can't see him. I want the fucking impossible. I want to rip my brains out and have it be all her fault

But it's better if i don't yell. If I don't speak. Speaking only leads to trouble. It only leads to more pain.

Oh. My. God. Why can't it be the good things that I do that they see? I'm trying my best to be positive, to do right, why do they keep attacking me? Why haven't i got anyone in this whole world?

Everyone leaves. they all do. Every last person I've ever cared about has slipped through my grasp. What I want doesn't really matter, now does it?

It seems like i'm trying to please everyone. I try to do the right things so that my mom is happy, my dad is happy, my friends are happy, my boyfriend is happy. When i try to do something to make me happy -all the time, it never fucking works, either- i'm a terrible person.

And I'm going to feel guilty about doing anything that makes me happy. It's on every fucking side of every issue. I cannot take this anymore. I'll cut myself to shreds before i accept being a lesser person, even if i am. I know i am, but damn if i'm going to...

fuck that. I'll just lie down and take it anyway. What's the point in speaking?

Besides, my parents just use me. My mom uses me to get back at my dad. My dad uses me to get back at my mom. My mom uses me to get money out of my dad. To make him unhappy because he's made her so unhappy. My dad uses me to take money from my mom, to make her miserable and her life more difficult.

I don't get to do much that I want to. I don't get to go out with my friends on weekends. I don't get to go do whatever I want. I can't even work. I can't do my homework. I can't concentrate. I don't even feel safe. I hate weekends. What kind of kid looks forward to the week?

Every last one. every last one. No one understands me. No one. I can't make myself happy. I can't make myself sane. I can't make them happy.

But if I'd never have been born, they wouldn't get an "accident." if my mom wanted a kid, she'd have gotten married or chosen when to get pregnant. I'm just a mistake. My dad didn't want kids. EVER.

I'm not even supposed to exist. I should just die. I feel sick. Want to leave.

Anywhere. But i can't bother them.

Just think of things it doesn't matter. Anything to distract. Please. Just make them all shut up. Please, God. There's nothing good in this. Trying doesnt fucking matter. Listening is teh only thing there is because she won't leave me time to talk. And she won't listen. None of them will.

I'm just looking for justification. it may be subjective. But this is all I have. And, in my mind, it is objective. There are things I should change. But i can't make time more. I can't make things go faster. I can't do everything at once. And, above all, I cannot be perfect.

At least the suicide has gone awa

I'm going to scream like a fan girl in 5...4...3...2...

1! Nine Inch Nail's new album, year zero is gonna hit the fan on April 17. I cannot hardly wait!!!!!!! I already love to look at the beautifully titled new songs.

Take a look for yourself

http://yearzero.nin.com/0.gif


oh boy!!!! I'm looking forward to hearing them ALL! but especially My Violent Heart.

I'm so violent <3

Currently, the band is on tour in Europe. I wish I could go to Japan to see them on tour...kill two birds with one stone, you know.

Well, that's all. I must continue to spread the NIN love!!!

march of pigs

a lovely conversation between my friend and I...I'm texhnolyze23

Texhnolyze23 [10:48 PM]: hi :)
Breezbox6 [10:48 PM]: Hey, how are you?? I love you so much for introducing me to DSW by the way
Texhnolyze23 [10:49 PM]: i'm alright. LOL glad you like that place :)
Texhnolyze23 [10:49 PM]: how are you?
Breezbox6 [10:50 PM]: Good, we went to little tokyo today and then DSW. I found some Vaneli shoes for 10 bucks!!! They were originally 109
Texhnolyze23 [10:50 PM]: WOW good deal!!!!!
Breezbox6 [10:50 PM]: yeah, that's what I said, LOL. How's school? Excited about college?Texhnolyze23 [10:51 PM]: i'm excited for graduation and portfolio presentations (where i show off my high school acomplishments, something i've been looking forward to since 9th grade), and yeah, college....kinda nervous, though.
Texhnolyze23 [10:51 PM]: how about you?
Breezbox6 [10:52 PM]: Cool, we had something similar in HS like that. good starting school again next monday, so a little anxious. My uncle who is a year and nine months older than me started attending school again so I'm happy. He's so smart he placed in my math.
Texhnolyze23 [10:53 PM]: wow!! that's awesome!!! Congratulations to your uncle :) and you'll do fine at school; you're super smart yourself
Breezbox6 [10:54 PM]: AWWWW!! :-[ You have so much confidence in me!
Texhnolyze23 [10:54 PM]: you've done nothing to not deserve it...double negatives, sorry Breezbox6 [10:55 PM]: Thanks your really smart to but you know that. I saw something really intresting today. People in little tokyo were protesting the war in Iraq
Texhnolyze23 [10:55 PM]: lol hubba wha?
Breezbox6 [10:56 PM]: I think people are finally starting to pick on what's going on.
Texhnolyze23 [10:56 PM]: indeed. people are fed up with the war
Breezbox6 [10:57 PM]: exactly. Now people are like 'hey, why ARE we in Iraq?" The president also asked for more troops to be sent there too.
Texhnolyze23 [10:57 PM]: oh i know. he's desperate. but they aren't going to have a draft cos then too many rich brats will get sent over to war
Breezbox6 [10:58 PM]: you think so? They are ALWAYS at the school I work at trying to recruit the kids. The kids aren't fooled though.
Breezbox6 [10:59 PM]: And at the community colleges. You don't see recruiters at standford
Texhnolyze23 [10:59 PM]: thank God. oh i know. they don't WANT rich, white boys to die in this stupid war, i think sometimes, cos it seems like that's the demographic they care about most
Breezbox6 [11:00 PM]: exactly. You don't know how much it irritated me when the war first started how everyone was like we should kill them all.
Breezbox6 [11:00 PM]: Did you know that only one of the guys on the plane was even from Iraq?
Texhnolyze23 [11:01 PM]: i know....Bush is too inconsistent with the reason we're even IN Iraq Texhnolyze23 [11:01 PM]: i say, it's cos hussein threatened his daddy, and this is paybacks Breezbox6 [11:02 PM]: because it's for the oil. Isn't Hussein dead now? So why are we STILL over there?
Texhnolyze23 [11:02 PM]: yeah he died. we're over there still because we can't just up and leave once we started this mess. they're trying to prevent a civil war, too. but i'm wondering if that
Texhnolyze23 [11:03 PM]: will sort things out, and they can figure things out on their own. I want the best for everybody, but America's turned into the "world police" and needs to mind its OWN business. or at least just work on tearing down this crazy capitalism and make the average worker make more than nothing, and the boss make less than everything Texhnolyze23 [11:04 PM]: plus, I think this "illegal immigration" business is just the government trying to distract people from the war
Breezbox6 [11:05 PM]: Your so smart!! that is exactly right!!! We don't own that country. Your right about that too. Do you know what the police did over here?
Texhnolyze23 [11:05 PM]: what'd they do?
Breezbox6 [11:06 PM]: Yesterday I must have encountered 12 police men on the way to work. I was like they're up to something. Next thing I know, they're at a stroplight carding everybody to see if they were legal or not.
Texhnolyze23 [11:06 PM]: shit that's STUPID
Breezbox6 [11:06 PM]: stoplight
Breezbox6 [11:06 PM]: yeah, I was pissed. The police are just another gang now.
Texhnolyze23 [11:07 PM]: ok, i can see wanting to send the "illegals" who are selling drugs and hurting people back to whereever, but AMERICANS are doing that too. And there are plenty of these RICH AMERICANS who own illegal slaves. ok, which is worse? coming to America illegally to work and help your family, or being an American slave owner? yeah the cops are always picking on my boyfriend for no reason
Breezbox6 [11:09 PM]: That is such a good term to use!!! I'm going to tell my mom to use that term. I'm sooo sorry, but I have to go to church tomorrow. I loved talking to you, you're soooo smart.
Texhnolyze23 [11:09 PM]: it's ok, have fun at church and I loved talking to you too!!! you're smarter :)
Breezbox6 [11:09 PM]: LOL, no way, I love you sleep tight.
Texhnolyze23 [11:09 PM]: you too!!! don't let the pigs get to you!
Breezbox6 [11:10 PM]: LOL, I won't bye!!!!
Texhnolyze23 [11:10 PM]: bye ^__^ take care!
Breezbox6 [11:10 PM]: bye

A Miserable Sort of Existance

People are thoroughly different. Americans tend to be too opinionated. Nothing wrong with having your beliefs, but sometimes it's necessary to compromise. Okay, nobody here is the same; America is a country of many nations, people, and cultures. We're all living here; it's AMERICA, it isn't Canada, Mexico, France, China, India, Russia, wherever. I'm not saying don't be proud of who you are; to the contrary! Show your pride! But the point is, the is America, we are all living here, and we need to get along.

You are who you are, I am who I am. But if you're my neighbor, we are equal. There are different circumstances, but wherever you go, you'll find similarities, and differences. We need to build bridges over what's similar, not tear ourselves apart over what's different. We all live here, we need to improve conditions for each other. It's more important to support each other regardless of our differences.

I don't believe in all this sensationalist propaganda. America is NOTHING but Sensationalism and Propaganda. You only hear about interesting stuff, the controversy. The media wants to show us the extremes to get good ratings, but people take it as the norm. The government wants you to see the all-the way-PRO AMERICA propoganda, and Anti-American, to keep us confused, to keep us under their thumb. They want us to be scared, so that they can keep on their anti-Islam, anti-Arab, pro-oil, and more MONEY for them. They don't really care about the voters, the people, be it white or black or hispanic or anything else. They only care about ONE thing: their money, well being, and power

It's all about money. But Power corrupts all men (and women). These CEOs are running companies into the ground, and bailing out with their golden parachutes. Making money they don't really deserve, and getting there by stepping on the backs of the used, broken, and abused.

"Head Like a Hole" -Nine Inch Nails. Listen to it.

Story of America: Get rich and powerful by taking advantage of people. Kill them, rape them, take everything from them, until they haven't the energy to fight back, and when they do, repeat.

And our President? An incompetent, self-serving fool. Now that things are bad, with the stupid war, which he promised us would be short, and look at us with 3000+ US soldiers dead, how many Iraqi and Afghan CIVILIONS and soldiers, animals, Americans, and an International handful of casualties, he doesn't want to take responsibility.

How does he take the spotlight off his shortcomings? Bring up Illegal Immigration. Yes, it's a problem, yes, not everyone who wants to come can unfortunately, there isn't enough room, yes, they're hurting Americans. I'm not denying any of the issues with it, but this is my biggest concern with it: Bush only brought up Illegal Immigration to take the spotlight off his many, MANY shortcomings

People, use your head. Thoroughly research everything, every side of an issue, before you get all opinionated and pissed about it. America's got problems as bad as anywhere else, don't deny them, look them straight in the face to resolve them permanently so we won't have to deal with them again. Don't believe that everything is safe, and OKAY, and dandy, but don't get all paranoid, don't worry about death. We're all gonna die, how is the only unknown. Just do what you gotta, and if you are gonna die, do what you can, or die.

It's not the worst thing; dying and be dead is one thing, living death is so much worse.